Biden: If Iraq Doesn’t Want Our Troops, I’ll Take Them

SOMEWHERE BETWEEN PHILADELPHIA AND WILMINGTON - In an impromptu 85-minute speech in Car 3 of Acela Express #2103, Vice President Joe Biden stood up and declared to stunned passengers that “if Iraq no longer wants” America’s 13,000 remaining troops, he’ll “gladly” take them. “Look, that cat Maliki is articulate and clean and a nice-looking guy, but gimme a break. He’s got no more use for our boys? Big f-ing deal. I’ll take them.”

The first step in Biden’s proposed plan is to settle every troop’s family into downtown Wilmington. Biden’s chief of staff hastily added: “Even though the Vice President just made this up, that doesn't mean it’s unrealistic. The key to repatriating soldiers is continuity, and this transition would be seamless, since living conditions are the same in Baghdad and Wilmington.”

Phase 2 of Biden’s plan, Operation Acelarator, is more controversial because it would give the troops free unlimited passes on the Acela Express. Critics claim “Amtrak Joe” is just trying to artificially boost the ridership of his favorite troubled train service. Biden replied: “That's a nutso garbage-time argument, man. Why would I be so roundabout when I can just hand Acela money no questions asked? I have my own station named after me for Christ’s sake, dumbass.”

Ultimately, many believe the real reason for Biden’s move is to give him new people to talk to. The Vice President’s wife, Jill, told several remaining passengers: “Joe gets lonely sometimes. And I just can’t listen to him anymore. 13,000 new people? That’ll get him through the next election."