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Citing Lack of Regulatory Burdens, Republicans Pledge to Move America to Somalia

Citing Lack of Regulatory Burdens, Republicans Pledge to Move America to Somalia

Finding common ground in their populist struggle against government oppression, every Republican Presidential candidate agreed to move the United States to Somalia.

At a public signing of the new Grover Norquist's pledge, "Commandeering America's Future," each of the candidates who've made their fortunes through government funding, employment, or support said that the pure free market principles of a country without government control would assure prosperity for all.

"In the utopia of Somalia, there are no ivory tower bureaucrats telling regular people what they can or cannot do with their business, their light bulbs, their bodies," said anti-abortion and anti-gay marriage candidate Michele Bachmann.

"Our move to Somalia is good for American business, which is good for American workers, which is good for America," intoned Mitt Romney.  "Unless, of course, you think I should say that it's not."

The obvious reason for the pledge is the job destroying impact of regulatory bodies like the Departments of Education, Housing, Health and Human Services, Transportation, and Homeland Security, as well as the EPA, FCC, FDA, OHSA, SEC and ATF.

Former House Leader Newt Gingrich: "Not only do these unaccountable elitist nannies harm hard-working real Americans, but they create a wasteful alphabet soup of abbreviations which forces everyone to think, and that is not what our Founding Fathers intended."

In the new United States of Somalia, there will be no soup.

"No out of control federal spending! No spending at all!" hollered a beaming Ron Paul.

"And that means no taxes," added Herman Cain. "Plus, I can put whatever I want in my pizzas."

Desperate labor, no minimum wage, and a workforce that expands down to age 4 and up to age death are among the blessings American business will find in a land free of Big Brother's meddling.

As for pirate attacks, cholera, and debilitating hunger, Texas Governor Rick Perry summed up the conservatives' laissez-faire philosophy best, "Well, sometimes the invisible hand of the market carries a machete.  Deal with it."