Dear Diary: My life’s dream is now realized! After six and a half years of rigorous part-time study, including many long and difficult classes at night, I have received a business degree from National Open University, in Lagos. On Monday morning, I will go to work as a trainee at the Central Bank of Nigeria, L.L.C. I have purchased a navy blue suit—my first!—and eagerly await my future of prosperity and happiness!
Dear Diary: Although I am but newly hired, I have received an important assignment: to confidentially transfer the sum of 56,000,000.00$ (fifty-six million United States Dollars) out of our country by means of the ordinary checking account of a trusted American citizen or his next to kin. The sum is resulted from an over-invoiced contract between the Nigerian National Petroleum Corporation (N.N.P.C.) and a foreign oil exploration concern, identity now unknown. Time is of the essence, because if the Nigerian government discovers the existence of this sum within fourteen (14) days it may impose a depository tax!
Dear Diary: I have learned that my selection for this assignment is the result of my facility with the English language—so my years of study on that topic were not forsaken! Today, I composed an email of invitation. To execute this transaction, our national law requires the indulgence of a non-Nigerian citizen to deposit the sum of 100,000.00$ (one hundred thousand United States Dollars) into our bank. In exchange for this assurance, the depositor will accept the transfer from our bank and then receive a consideration of 20% (twenty per cent), or 11,200,000.00$ (eleven million and two hundred thousand United States Dollars)! This evening, I transmitted the completed email to more than 1,000,000,000 (one million) reliable private individuals and U.S. companies, based on the confidential recommendations from the Nigerian Chamber of Commerce, and requested their urgent reply!
Dear Diary: This morning, I arrived at my desk to find my email inbox overflowing with responses—but not as I expected! “EAT SHIT AND DIE YOU THIEVING SPAMMER SCUMBAG MOTHERFUCKER,” etc., etc.—and my dictionary was of small help. I spent the day reading emails but found no required account numbers or personal information, including private telephone numbers for convenience, and so cannot commence this risk-free business transaction! But I have many more responses to study, and perhaps tomorrow will bring success.
Dear Diary: Many more insulting (?) emails, but no banking numbers.
Dear Diary: Still the same.
Dear Diary: This morning, I learned that my email account is suspended by the United States Federal Bureau of Investigation (U.S.F.B.I.). Many dreary meetings followed. Meanwhile, more millions of United States Dollars, produced from the expiration of certain international contracts and accounting errors, arrived in our office. I moved my chair and desk to make room for these boxes. Still no account numbers. Will I be fired before I have collected my first paycheck?
Dear Diary: This morning, Barrister Khumalo of the World Trading Center (W.T.C.) informed my superiors that the International Remittance Department has encountered a bequest of 43,610,000.00$ (forty-three million and six hundred and ten thousand United States Dollars) pertaining to a deceased relative of the deposed leader of Nigeria!
I prepared a letter and transmitted it by telefacsimile and my personal email account to more than 500,000 (five hundred thousand) Americans bearing the same last name (Smith). I explained that we require only a small advancement fee of 1,000.00$ (one thousand United States Dollars) per day to begin this transaction for our mutual benefit according to our Bilateral Agreement! Will this bring success at last? I have crossed my legs.
Dear Diary: My telefacsimile line and personal email account have been suspended. And more top secret boxes containing millions of United States Dollars were delivered overnight, this time from the Ministry of Mineral Resources and Energy (M.M.R.E.). I have begun to despair of my employment, and there is no longer room in my cubicle for even a chair.
Dear Diary: Success at last! Just as I was about to surrender my hope, Mr. David Owen of Connecticut, United States, delivered to me by international courier his complete banking and personal information, and also the information of his wife and his children and the other three members of his regular golf foursome, along with the required deposits, declarations, and promissory statements, and I have wired to their accounts the sum of 789,000,000.00$ (seven hundred and eighty-nine million United States Dollars)—of which their entitlement is 157,800,000.00$ (one hundred and fifty seven million and eight hundred thousand United States Dollars) for their personal use!
Dear Diary: Today, I received a promotion and a (modest) increase in salary. Banking be praised!