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From Here to iTernity: Apple Launches iTombs

By PETER KLEINMAN, ROY RIVENBERG AND TONY HENDRA
From Here to iTernity: Apple Launches iTombs

What will Apple’s response to the sad events of last week be? Now we know: Death? There’s an app for that!

Says Apple CEO Tim Cook: “The Apple culture rulebook Steve left us says we must always consider the upside of apparent negatives. The bright side of death? There’s no more reliable or recession-proof profit-center around. So we put our stamp on it. We can truly say: Apple owns death.

“For countless millennia humans have merely died. Not anymore. The same discerning consumers who made us the #1 tech company on earth, will now - iDie. We transformed modern life. We’re out to transform modern afterlife.”

Today Apple launches a bold new end-of-life product-line called iDeath. Its core is the iTomb. iTombs do away with all the clutter, fuss and drudgery of death, thanks to the utter brilliance of Apple design. Here’s how it works:

Apple’s new iCremate technology turns your loved one into carbon atoms in nano-seconds. His or her sacred remains are then incased in a sleek, full-screen rectangular pod – the iTomb - of sizes up to 2 square meters. With Apple’s new iDeath 3-D imaging app, he or she can actually repose inside the iTomb - even though it’s only 4 cm thick!

After the memorial (Apple offers services ranging from an iWake to sitting iShiva), the iTomb simply becomes the headstone, eliminating graves, earth, flowers, worms, urns, long black cars, skulls, depressing armbands etc. “all the morbid crap associated with death” in Cook’s words.

ITombs are forever, showing in living glasses-free 3-D 4K color, celebrations, wins, weddings, artifacts, Facebook posts, pets, trips abroad – whatever a family chooses - from the loved one’s life. Shatter-proof iTombs can be installed in a cemetery or family crypt if desired, but far more likely, Apple projects, families will want them in their own homes.

With an iTomb says Cook “No-one ever really dies. You can interact with loved ones until you too iDie and enter your own iTomb. And so on for all iTernity.”

I-men to that.

 

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