In a move He hoped would reduce misinterpretation of his warnings, God issued today a list of explanations for recent floods, earthquakes, storms and other natural disasters.
“People are getting my admonitions all wrong,” said the Deity at a rare press conference. “Especially Republican politicians and evangelical ministers. They have been incorrect 98.7 percent of the time.”
For example, He noted, Rep. Michele Bachmann said the destruction caused by Hurricane Irene was God’s warning to the U.S. to reduce federal deficits when his actual message was: Please stone the vulgar harlot Snooki to death.
Asked why He uses nature to send his messages instead of simply texting or sending e-mails, God laughed and said, “I’m a bit old-fashioned. One of these days I have to get around to upgrading.”
In response to another reporter’s question about why He bothers sending warnings to humanity at all when they are constantly ignored or misconstrued, the Deity said, “I guess I’m not as omniscient as I thought I was.”
Some highlights of the disaster-explanation list (the full list can be found at Godinhisheaven.org):
Japan earthquake, tsunami: Stop making those tacky game shows in which contestants are tormented and humiliated. I hate those.
Haitian earthquake: The staging of fake voodoo rites for tourists has aroused my wrath. Voodoo is serious business.
Gulf oil spill: Stop eating so much! You Americans are too damn fat.
Chilean mine disaster: Having a bad day and I’m just pissed off at everyone.