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God to Kill Rush Limbaugh Within Weeks

By FRANK LEE CRAVEN
God to Kill Rush Limbaugh Within Weeks

In an irate message delivered yesterday via an accredited divine channeler, God announced his intention of killing Rush Limbaugh very soon, possibly on the Feast of the Assumption (August 15th). This would be in honor of His Mother the Virgin Mary who particularly despises the doughboy demagogue. For the Deity there would also be a nice irony about icing Rush then:

“It’s his glib assumptions about the stupidity of his audience that really get up my All-Powerful nose,” said the God of Love. “This suppurating boil on humanity makes literally 1000 times as much as most of his listeners but 90% of what he talks about boils down to getting them to vote for scumbags who’ll cut his taxes! Me-Damn - I’m sick of this blowhard’s hate-sodden crapula!”

God didn’t elaborate on the exact nature of Limbaugh’s demise, for fear that Limbaugh, having free will like all mankind, might try to wriggle out of the Divine plan, though He conceded that wriggling wasn’t the hopped-up hypocrite's strong suit. 

His Vastness assured Americans that A., they would soon be free of the fat insinuating leech, B., that the manner of his death would involve “that disgusting Maybach,” and C., be long, lingering, and unbearably painful.

God did not reveal his plans for Rush’s afterlife. 

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