House Speaker John Boehner and Senate Minority Leader of Mitch McConnell announced today that the GOP in Texas, Arizona, Kansas, and other logic-challenged States that have been defunding Planned Parenthood will support a replacement non-non-profit entity to provide a full raft of women’s health services. Details were sparse, but services will include bloodletting, fertility spells, wet-nurses, anti-suicide counseling, and in some cases, chastity belts. They’re calling it Unplanned Parenthood.
Speaker Boehner said, “Unplanned Parenthood’s mission is to fight President Obama’s plan for parenthood - universal birth control – with God’s plan for parenthood - uncontrolled birth.”
Said McConnell, “Birth control is how our possibly Muslim President plans to make white Christian Americans extinct. Forcing women to use birth control is a vile assault on their civil liberties, and according to the fully accredited American Medical Profit Association, causes dire health problems like spontaneous combustion and leprosy.”
Boehner added that according to an impeccably reliable mole inside the Administration, “Obama if re-elected will set up ‘birth-panels’ to decide who gets born and to whom and what color and which way up.”
Governor Jan Brewer of Arizona embraced the concept of uncontrolled birth as the finest expression of American Freedom: “A woman should be free to have as many children as God wants her to. Here in Arizona, it’s also the best way to combat these fast-breeding brown pests over-running our great State.”
“Obama has no right to be controlling our birth,” she went on, “I’m telling the man in the White House to get out of our wombs!” She conceded that earlier this year, The Final Edition had revealed her to be a dromaeosaurid theropod dinosaur or velociraptor and confirmed that while she is proud of the fact, she has no womb and gives birth by laying large eggs.
Texas Attorney G. Greg Abbott, who two weeks ago likened Planned Parenthood to terrorists, is credited with dreaming up Unplanned Parenthood. “Funny thing is I got the idea from South Park. The South Park abortion clinic goes by that name. See, I’ve been investigating the show to see if I can indict Trey Parker and Matt Stone on a capital charge of inciting women to abort living, breathing pre-Americans."
“Here’s my message to Parker and Stone. Satire don’t scare us Texans none. We’re putting satire out of business in our great land by passing legislation so outlandish, so arbitrary and so inhuman that it’s beyond the creative reach of even the sickest minds in our society. This is just the start. Stewart, Maher, Colbert, Parker, Stone, The Final Edition...start looking for real jobs!"