Governor Chris Christie of New Jersey exploded this morning while signing a bill in Trenton officially changing Labor Day to Management Day. Doctors had been warning the Governor for some time that he ran the risk of exploding, not simply from morbid obesity – his weight had climbed from 382 pounds at his inauguration to well over 700 - but also from a colossal build-up of methane in his internal organs due to an inability or unwillingness, to expel bodily waste from his system.
Ironically the Governor’s nickname among his inner circle was ‘Fatcat’ - less from his enormous bulk than from his close and often physically affectionate ties to big business. His steadfast refusal to hold “the innocent rich” responsible for the greed, malfeasance, exploitation, cronyism, anti-Semitism, pedophilia and war crimes of state workers – in particular of teachers – had led to talk by leading conservatives of a run – or at least a slow walk - for the Presidency in 2012 or 2016.
Adipose tissue and fecal matter rained down on Mercer County for several hours after the explosion. Officials in neighboring Hunterdon County reported that the Governor’s highly toxic remains were contaminating reservoirs there which provide much of the state’s drinking water. Lieutenant Governor Guadagno refused to accept federal disaster relief citing her abhorrence of big government – if not of big governors. She instead invited sealed bids from private contractors to clean up the Christie mess.
A historic footnote: had the Governor’s Presidential ambitions succeeded, he would have been the fattest person ever to sit in the Oval Office, or attempt to, including the revoltingly fat President Taft.