Been an exciting first week here in the new, pro-America Times building. We phased out the Fine Arts Section, hung a few Chuck Norris glossies in Frank Rich’s old office, and added the hilarious wisdom of “Mallard Fillmore” where Thomas Friedman’s column used to be. Sales are up, and that’s what matters in journalism.
But a few days ago, Mr. Murdoch surprised us with a visit. Apparently, Paul Krugman had deliberately referred to the Death Tax as ‘The Estate Tax’ and Mr. Murdoch was forced to make an example of him. I’m proud to say I held the great man’s coat during the caning.
Afterwards, Mr. Murdoch invited me into his new office. Instinctively I thought to bring along the ol’ shine box, but he assured me his shoes were fine, and he had an even greater assignment for me - he wanted to know which other Times’ columnists might be problems down the road.
I said I was only too honored to name names, as I had no doubt there were plenty more Krugmans undermining the Times’ new, pro-growth agenda. The only problem was, I’d always loved America too much to actually read the paper. So that night I paid a little visit my old liberal cohost Alan Colmes, at his modest basement apartment in what my driver tells me is the Bronx.
It’s always great to see Alan. He spoke of some already-doomed liberal podcast he hopes to launch from his windowless squalor, and I told him all about my new book that proves Jesus would’ve supported the Bush Doctrine of Preemptive War (‘Forgive Us Our Trespasses as We Trespass Against Those We Think Might One Day Trespass Against Us,’ (on sale this Fall!)).
I revealed to Alan my new assignment as Head Pro-American Editorialist for the Old Grey Lady. I explained my vision for an op-ed page that made the case for US Exceptionalism, daily quips from Funnyman Dennis Miller, and eventually, content.
I asked Alan, point blank, who amongst my new NYT co-workers might be problems. Comically stammering, Alan played the journalism-school card and droned on about the paper’s history, from its record number of Pulitzers to the Sulzbergers. But by the time he got to attacking our brave troops by mentioning ‘The Pentagon Papers,’ I began tapping my watch to remind him my limo was waiting.
Alan refused to name any Times columnists and instead wanted to discuss what he said were his ‘benign’ critiques of the Netenyahu administration. I accused him of genocidal Anti-Semitism. Jealous, Alan accusing me of ‘stifling debate.’ Which was my cue to begin shouting ‘WHY DO YOU HATE FREEDOM ALAN?’ over and over until he weepingly gave in.
By the time I got to bed, I knew I was the man to root out the anti-freedom element at this paper, because it would upset Alan, and antagonizing his ilk is good for the soul. In fact, before dozing off, I phoned him and pretended to be Hugo Chavez, shouting orders in whatever mongrel tongue they speak in Venezuela.
So I’m putting all you Marxists employed by the Times on very public notice. Hannity’s got you in his sights. (Of course, the Times’ HR lady tried to stop me from taking this approach, so she was the first to be sent to the cornfield.)
I won’t be able to start right away, as Mr. Murdoch is off to a weeklong vacation in Monaco and I’ve been giving the honor of feeding and cleaning Baal, his prized rare Komodo Dragon. But I’m coming for you. Let Freedom ring.
To read Mr. Hannity's previous column, "I, Hannity", click here.