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NewsCorp, the global news megalith, announced today that it had acquired all the assets of the defunct New York Times. After weeks of uncertainly during which LeBron James, the Vatican, Bono, Lorne Michaels, Jay-Z, the Saudi Royal Family, the Olsen Twins and dozens of others battled for control of what was left of the once massively influential newspaper, NewsCorp chairman Rupert Murdoch has decided, in his own words, to “reanimate the corpse.”

Citing the Times’ obsolete socialist politics, elitist bias, chronic mismanagement and fiscal irregularities as well as the personal depravity, jail records and rampant drug abuse of 95% of its staff, Mr Murdoch said he acted from a deep sense of obligation to the city "whose name this misguided publication bears" rather than a desire for gain or self-aggrandisement. However the normally taciturn Mr Murdoch wore a small spangly bright green cardboard crown during his press conference and punctuated his points with frequent blasts on a noisemaker.

Editorial upgrades to take effect immediately include far more in-depth coverage of the outer boroughs. Mr Murdoch gave as an example the deplorable proliferation of low-cost Thai-owned brothels sweeping Queens and the Bronx. He announced a brand new editorial department dedicated entirely to Investigative Gossip, a truly robust Funny Pages – including Mallard Fillmore and the new Times Super E-Z crossword - a reader lottery called Daily Double Dip which will also premiere as a Fox reality show; and the abolition of all unions. 

The deal includes the renaming rights to Times Square, which Murdoch said would henceforth be known as Wendi Deng Square. In order to concentrate on making the New York Times - now renamed the New Fox Times – “what it has always had the potential to be – a newspaper worthy of the great city of New York” NewsCorp will divest itself of other papers owned by the New York Times Co.  The International Herald Tribune will become a chain of restaurants offering down-home American food such as mac n’ cheese in Paris and other capitals where it was once distributed.

The Boston Globe will be given to Harvard to play with. 


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