Just in time to reverse the GOP ticket’s downward spiral Vice Presidential candidate Paul Ryan today announced a dramatic new alternative to Medicare. The Final Edition has an exclusive interview.
(You can listen to alternate coverage of the story here, on The Final Edition Radio Hour).
RYAN: First, I should say that as a devout Catholic I believe health, like all our rights, comes from God.
TFE: Wait, you’re saying healthcare is a right? Isn’t that European socialism?!
RYAN: I said health not healthcare. And health like all our rights – wealth for instance - has to be earned.
TFE: How do you earn health?
RYAN: Prayer, fasting, good works.
TFE: Good works are going to keep seniors alive?
RYAN: For centuries, Catholics, Southern Baptists, Evangelicals, Pentecostals have survived just fine on a reliable system of miraculous cures and medical treatment based on fervent prayer. If it didn’t work we wouldn’t be here to talk about it! So - we propose to abolish Medicare entirely and set up a faith-based system of healing and treatment called MEDIPRAYER.
TFE: Miracles will work in the 21st century?
RYAN: How has the Catholic Church survived 2000 years? Why are the Southern Baptists bigger than ever?
TFE: Because they eat at Chick Fil-A?
RYAN: Mediprayer providers will bring miraculous healing into the 21st century. They’ll work with approved medical professionals to make sure every mediprayer includes the exact nature of a patient’s medical condition so that God’s attention - or the appropriate saint’s – can be focused with laser-like precision on a cure. According to accredited, unindicted GOP medical consultants, Mediprayer cure-rates will be competitive with those now achieved by wasteful Medicare providers. And at a tiny fraction of the cost.
TFE: OK, say Mediprayer comes up with an occasional miraculous cure. What about prevention?
RYAN: Holy pictures and medals, pilgrimages to shrines like Lourdes, Salt Lake City, Graceland. Mediprayer’s most popular preventative protocol will be those lovely images of the Virgin that appear in cornflakes, shower curtains, and used diapers...
TFE: Frankly, Congressman, this is beginning to sound like ruthless exploitation of the gullibility of the poor, aged and uneducated.
RYAN: Hey, I saw an image of the Virgin just yesterday! In the 2012 Q4 receivables/liabilities curve of Koch Industries. Know what? My reflux problem cleared up like THAT!
TFE: That’s no miracle, Congressman. You’re a young, extremely wealthy man who can afford to stay in shape.
RYAN: You know why I glow with health? Because my heart is PURE! Mediprayer draws its awesome power from the example of Our Savior Jesus Christ and his awesome miracles!
TFE: As we recall, Jesus didn’t charge a penny for curing the sick and the lame.
RYAN: We don’t know that. When Christ returns I’m sure he’ll charge a competitive fee for any miraculous healing.
TFE: Why would he need to?
RYAN: Because He is an American.
TFE: Jesus is an American?
RYAN: Yes indeedy! According to our next co-President my good buddy Mitt, Jesus came to America long ago. It says so right in the Book of Mormon. Jesus is an American!
TFE: Good luck with that in November.
RYAN: Thank you, The Final Edition. May God forgive but still punish your vile and sinful skepticism. One final word, America. We are a Christian nation. When you get right down to it, faithful Christians don’t really NEED that much medical care do we? After all this life is just a preparation for the next. I urge you all to get on the fast track to Heaven by repealing Obamacare NOW!