In order to ring in the new year with the future in mind, His Holiness, Pope Benedict XVI, took to Twitter to announce a dramatic development in his long-running campaign against inaccurate and unsubstantiated scientific "dogma." Tweeting simply, "Galileo Trial To Resume #GodNotScience," His Holiness indicated that the Vatican will reopen the trial of Galileo Galilei, an Italian physicist born in 1564.
Mr Galilei stood trial for his life before the Inquisition in 1632 because he embraced Copernican heliocentrism. He will be tried this time around by a lesser-known and lower-profile legal entity which was the Pope’s power-base when he was Josef Cardinal Ratzinger: the Vatican Office for the Suppression of Curiosity.
Citing Stephen Hawking’s description of Mr Galilei as “perhaps more than any other single person, responsible for the birth of modern science," His Holiness announced that Galilei’s remains will be charged with crimes against humanity such as global warming, industrial pollution, abortion, drug-addiction, birth control, modernism, post-modernism, noisy scooters, cell-phones that go off during Mass and the worldwide proliferation of gay pornography which The Church squarely blames for the sex scandals that have swept its helpless clergy over recent decades.
The Pope acknowledged that science was not all bad, citing the technology that made possible the Popemobile and the hotplate in his private quarters. He also had praise for astrophysicist Fritz Zwicky who in 1933 first posited the existence of dark matter in the Universe. After years of investigation the Vatican Office of Infernal Affairs last week pronounced dark matter to actually be, Satan.
Mr Galilei’s remains will be exhumed from the Basilica of Santa Croce in Florence and brought to Vatican to be tried by a tribunal of canon law cognoscenti or magistrates. The trial is expected to take several months. Vatican insiders say that Mr Galilei will be found guilty on Sept 15th, the Feast of the Unwarranted Assumption.
The Texas School Board which was hoping to indict Galileo on many of the same charges as well as liberalism, the 60s and 9/11, had no immediate comment.