Religious conservatives and political rivals attacked Barack Obama today for apparently not hearing disembodied voices in his head that tell him what to do.
"It just proves that Barack Obama hates religion," former U.S. Sen. Rick Santorum told a crowd of his supporters in Lancaster, Pa. "We cannot trust a president who doesn't hear God's voice telling him to destroy His enemies. And strangle prostitutes."
The president is facing this sudden storm of controversy after doctors reported that his regular check-up showed no physical problems or psychological abnormalities.
"A president who does not obsessively save string, hallucinate about fire or draw a dense web on lines between newspaper articles tacked to a wall is a president who is out of touch with the common people," presidential candidate Newt Gingrich said.
"I, on the other hand, am like most decent Americans," Gingrich said. "I hear the shrill, ceaseless voice of God telling me to kill."
Presidential candidate Mitt Romney also told a Town Hall meeting in Kingman, Arizona, that the president is being obstructive.
"The voices in my head say they've been trying to talk to Obama for weeks, and he just won't listen," Romney said. "I have to conclude the man is just crazy."
The former Massachusetts governor then fell to the floor and began screaming in tongues, to the applause and approval of the Republican base.