Governor Jan Brewer of Arizona startled media and supporters alike today when she announced that she is part velociraptor. Brewer who is 67, said she could no longer “live a lie” as with age her skin, serrated dentition and enlarged claws become increasingly saurian.
“Yes, I am a dromaeosaurid theropod dinosaur,” said Brewer at a press conference in Phoenix, “and proud of it.” She declined to explain exactly how a velociraptor had entered the Brewer family tree. “All I can say is it involved a trip my father made as a young man to northern Mongolia. He said he met a velociraptor there that had been frozen in a glacier.”
She knew her dad hadn’t told the whole story when her first child was born inside a large ovoid egg. Over the years, her husband, a chiropractor, has helped her cope with the long bony tail stiffened with ossified tendons that later grew from her lower vertebrae. He also regularly removes feathers from her back.
The Governor expressed pride not just in looking like a velociraptor but in embracing its nature. “I certainly want to use the large claws on my feet as predatory devices to tear into my prey and disembowel them,” she laughed, adding that feeding on her prey while still alive until they die from blood loss and organ failure, is “the kind of MO Arizonans expect from their Governor.”
Political analysts agreed that Governor Brewer’s revelation will only increase her popularity among the prehistoric and fossilized segments of state’s Republican base.