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Spider-Man Said to be Leaving Spider-Man

Spider-Man Said to be Leaving Spider-Man

A lead producer of “Spider-Man: Turn Off the Dark” has told investors in the misfortune-plagued Broadway musical that its title character, Spider-Man, will step aside and be replaced by Batman, according to a person in a senior position in the show’s management who is in all likelihood the same lead producer referred to earlier in this sentence.

“Spider-Man was never right for the part,” said a secondary producer. “He was too icky, what with that slimy web, the radioactive blood and all. Broadway audiences will accept a lion or a beast in the lead of a musical but not a bug.”

The $1.9 billion production, the most expensive in Broadway history, will be completely revamped and retitled “Batman: Turn Off the Dark.”

Sources camping out in the Theater District said that the producers had tried to get Superman to step in but were turned down by the man of steel because “the stunts are too tough.”

But Batman, according his agent, Murray Ratkoff, was between sequels and “has always wanted to sing but no one ever asked him before.”

50 Quid, the British rapper, has been called in to rework the score by Bono and The Edge so as to adapt it to the cast change and also give it “a more contemporary edge,” according to an embittered former cast member with a grudge against one of the tertiary producers who demanded that she sleep with him.  Mr. Quid, who is vacationing in Mustique with Mrs. Quid, could not be reached for confirmation.