For the tenth straight year since its founding, Pakistan's Umayyad Suicide College (USC) has been forced to cancel its Homecoming Celebration due to lack of alumni.
"We were hoping to have Omar Sultana, Class of 2012, back to receive his Honorary Doctorate in Volatile Physics but he sneezed while being fitted for an exploding gown," said Dean Peter Bred.
Over 500 students have graduated from Umayyad Suicide College since 2003. The school has a beautiful campus and all buildings are fitted with Stealth walls and drone-proof roofs. Degrees are offered in planes, trains and automobiles.
Tuition is free at USC because of a large endowment of vests, fuses, and fertilizer donated by a Class of 2003 alumni known only as the Wedding Blaster.
The annual homecoming football game between USC and Nitro Dame will be held as usual, including the traditional halftime show featuring the world famous USC one-legged hopping band and the stoning of the 72 virgin cheerleading squad. After the game, football letter vests will be wired with C4 and awarded posthumously.
Despite the string of disappointing homecomings, Dean Peter Bred is already planning next year's event. "If Mitt Romney wins the U.S. election, many of our graduates working in Iran will be unemployed and have time to come home," he told reporters. "Nothing kills suicide bomber jobs faster than war."