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To Quell Outrage in Afghanistan, Obama Says U.S. Will Develop Non-Flammable Korans

By PETER KLEINMAN AND TONY HENDRA
To Quell Outrage in Afghanistan, Obama Says U.S. Will Develop Non-Flammable Korans
Soldiers at Fort Bragg test the flammability of the new fire-proof Koran.

President Obama announced a bold new plan today in conjunction with the Department of Defense to develop a fire-resistant version of the Koran.  Testing by Special Ops Command personnel of the new non-flammable edition has already begun at Fort Bragg. The tests are under heavy security in case Muslims are even more enraged by the possibility of more burnt Korans. Sharia law calls for the beheading of any person who even slightly chars a Koran, for instance by stubbing out a cigarette on the sacred book.

A source at Fort Bragg who requested anonymity due to "the beheading thing" said so far testing had been even more successful than the military hoped: “We threw everything we had at that baby – flame-throwers, napalm, white phosphorus, medium range incendiary devices.  We even dropped her in a vat of molten steel.  Temperatures in excess of 2000 degrees Celsius and she came through like gangbusters.”  

The Army’s top consultant on EMI (Enraged Muslim Issues), Mullah Mustafa Bombinabag, is said to have given preliminary approval to the fire-resistant Koran.  Two hundred thousand will be printed at a cost of several thousand dollars per Koran and shipped to Kabul for distribution to enraged Muslims all over Afghanistan.

Republican Presidential candidate Rick Santorum expressed outrage at the President “caving to terrorists” and said the US “ought to be burning more Korans not less” describing Islam’s most sacred text as a “pagan abomination” and Islam itself as “a fake religion cooked up by Satan.”  He said the new flame-retardant technology should be used to produce non-flammable Bibles to protect them from revenge-seeking enraged Muslims, snobby college professors, and Planned Parenthood.

White House spokesman Jay Carney, asked what would happen if the non-flammable Korans were rejected by enraged Muslims, said that research was already underway on a new high-intensity incendiary system called “smart fire” that would incinerate people, buildings, and livestock, but not Korans. Asked by The Christian Science Monitor if "smart fire" would also recognize the Bible, Carney said, "Yes, but not the Book of Mormon."


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