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Hairless Trump Says He's Quitting 2012 Presidential Race

Hairless Trump Says He's Quitting 2012 Presidential Race

During a profanity-packed speech by their owner to the Republican Crooked Casino Operators Symposium in Reno Nevada last night, the remaining strands of Donald Trump’s long-suffering hair, apparently of their own volition, fell from his skull.  

The tubby reality TV host had been greeted with deafening applause by the wildly intoxicated crowd as he claimed his taunting of “that f-cking p-ssy Barack Obama” had forced The President into ordering the execution of Osama Bin Laden. Continued Trump to foot-stomping cheers: “if anyone pulled the trigger that wasted that t-wel-h-ad c-cks-cker it was me!” Exactly at that moment his much-dyed and tortured hair, which has endured decades of being America’s most bizarre comb-over, undermined their tormentor’s claims by saying in effect: “Trump, you’re fired!

The result was dramatic. Though the senescent non-billionaire continued to rant that he would ‘run the f-cking US government like I run my business” cheers turned to jeers as his hair slid from his wrinkled pate, weighted by whatever miracle bonding material held it together. Newly bald, the remarkable resemblance of New York’s most notorious con-man to an enormous fleshy penis ran through the crowd like wildfire. 

Liquored-up, crooked and Republican though they were, attendees seemed sobered by what they’d just seen. Herb Loomis runs a crooked riverboat casino in Louisiana: “Like seeing your grandpappy naked for the first time. ‘Scuse me, I gotta ralph.” A crooked casino operator from upstate New York was more exact” “Without that thing on his head, he’s just another loud-mouthed old bigot from Queens”  “What’s he mean run the government like he runs his business?” asked the owner of a meth-factory and floating craps game in Kentucky: “The government’s already a debt-crippled Ponzi-scheme kept afloat by China.”  His girlfriend agreed, but had regrets: “He said he’d call Hugo Chavez a m-therf-cking c-cks-cker. I’m gonna miss that.”

She will certainly miss it now.  After an evening and morning of intense debate with his posse, the egomaniacal eye-sore king of Manhattan announced that he would not seek the Presidency in 2012.