Starbucks Banner

Watch Out Peta - Here Comes Meta!

Watch Out Peta - Here Comes Meta!

PETA – People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals – may have met its match. At steak-sauce-and-whisky-fueled blowout in Dallas this week the first grass-roots carnivorist organization in US history was born. Meet META - Men for the Edible Treatment of Animals!  

The red-blooded, fur-clad young Texans of META call themselves “the tip of an iceberg of backlash against pussified jackbooted vegetarianism and the goose-stepping whiners of animal-rightsism.”

Like all revolutionaries META men protect their identities by using only first names. Al, Cal, Dale, Kent, Bo, Bull, Kale, Bewt, Fob, Lem, Bam, and Kit make up its Steering Committee under their maximum leader T-Bone.  To cheers whoops and Rebel yells T-Bone read out the META Man-ifesto:

  1. We dedicate ourselves to the sacred American tradition of killing and eating animals with mothers and faces.
  2. We vow merciless combat on militant veggie cucumber-humpers, animal-rights species-traitors and the granola-munching yogurtarians of the veggie-duped media.
  3. We vow to sear, char, rip, tear, slice, chew 33 times and swallow MEAT in all its glory, the redder and rarer the better!

META guerillas have been making things hot for the veggie-left with clandestine ops like spraying spinach fields with E coli and public resistance like throwing red-eye gravy at PETA demonstrators who are throwing blood at people in furs. But they’re ramping up.

META’s fleet of converted fire trucks can now spread mayhem at anti-hunting rallies and green-markets. Grateful PETA Vegans and animal-rightists enduring 3-digit Southern temperatures expect a refreshing shower from their firehoses -- then fall retching and swooning to the ground as they realize it’s not water – it’s beef bouillon.

In the Bible Belt, META has religious overtones. Baptist Chaplain Kale preaches before every “action” on the theme that meat is God’s greatest gift to Man because... “When Jesus took bread and wine at the Last Supper He didn’t change them into soy-burgers and wheat-grass smoothies! He changed them into his very own FLESH and BLOOD!"

And META has long-range goals. META’s Minister of Information, Bewt says: “We gotta change the narrative! PETA peddles this spirulina that vegetarianism is essential to human survival. Bull-balls! Meat fueled Homo Sapiens’ success! Meat equals fire, beer, and sooner or later the Porsche Carrera GT. Our species eats all other species! That’s the META-narrative!”  

Throughout the South META is spreading like kudzu. Already there are stresses between hardliners and even harder-liners. T-Bone says Meatatarians - who eat all meat-bearing animals - are pussies. Real hard-line folks like him only eat their young. They call themselves Vealgans.   

One META cell has a particularly radical carnivorist mission: “We eat anything with a face and a mother! And Veggies are just walking bags of meat! Grain-fed! Antibiotic-free!”

The name of the cell?  The PETA-Eaters.


Starbucks Skinny