Saturday, May 18, 2013
World's Mega-Rich Form Union: Fraternal Order of Billionaires Global Local 1
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PrintExclusive to The Final Edition. The Forbes 400 Most Pornographically Wealthy People On Earth are pushing back hard at calls from governments in developed countries to raise taxes on them. They gathered from around the globe last week in an unannounced location to discuss tactics.
Newly minted multi-billionaire Marc Zuckerberg said insanely well-off people should learn from the connectivity of social media: “Let’s cool it with individual entrepreneurship, pool our awesome resources and take control of the planet we own!”
John P. Manning, the Boston Capital genius who somehow squeezed 1.1 billion dollars of blood from the low-income-housing stone, agreed and suggested a new union: The Fraternal Order of Billionaires Global Local 1. Its mission woiuld be to protect “the inalienable human right to make more money than you’ll ever, ever need.”
Surprisingly, Charles and David Koch who combined are the richest person in the US and who despise unions, also agreed. “Watch out organized labor!” said Charles and David in their customary unison “Here comes organized management!”
The appallingly well-heeled attendees roared their approval. Spanx thong mogul and ex-terrible-comedienne Sara Blakely objected to the word ‘fraternal’ “Why not ‘maternal’?” asked the perky blonde. She was shouted down by the overwhelmingly Alpha males several of whom suggested she “fix them a drinkypoo”.
Steel magnate and part owner of India, Lakshi Mittal called for annual dues of $100 million per impossibly pampered plutocrat “to keep out mere multi-millionaires.” The resulting trillion-dollar war-chest would be used to underwrite traditional union strong-arm tactics like arranging “accidents” for uncooperative politicians.
Casino king Sheldon Adelson said nations and regional trade-groups who didn’t play ball with FOB Global Local 1 could be brought down in days by a strike: “See our strike don’t mean stay home from work. It means: you ever want to see your currency alive again, do what the fuck we say!”
Oprah Winfrey brought the new union to its feet with fresh words to the old socialist hymn the Internationale: “Arise ye prisoners of taxation! Arise you richest of the earth!”
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