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Zuckerberg Unveils Facebook Unconscious

By CARA VAN TOURS
Zuckerberg Unveils Facebook Unconscious
 

MENLO PARK – On the heels of its billion-dollar acquisition of Instagram, Facebook has taken another giant step in expanding its brand with what may be its most far-reaching innovation yet: Facebook Unconscious.  

In the words of sole founder and creator of Facebook, Marc Zuckerberg, Facebook Unconscious “provides robust new engagement with users by directly accessing their innermost thoughts and dreams.”

Company spokesbots tout Facebook Unconscious’s potential to create “the first truly honest Status Updates in social networking history.” For example, when a man identified as being in a relationship with a woman lists his status as “Can’t wait for Glee tonight!,” the software translates that to “Can’t wait to get sex by pretending to enjoy Glee tonight!” 

Likewise, when you browse through another person’s Photos, FU determines your real motivation and automatically streamlines your search into either “has gotten fatter since high school” or “nudes.”  

The new application works by picking up neurochemical signals carried by electrolyte-rich bodily fluids. “Basically, anything you excrete on or near your keyboard is our data mine,” said one slightly-too-enthusiastic technician.

FU is, of course, a boon to advertisers, who say they can use the new information to craft “ultra-personal” pitches.  For example, “Drink Pepsi Max, Billy – it’s the next best thing to getting back your dead brother Henry.”

Zuckerberg is quick to add that users can opt out of Facebook Unconscious with a simple 3,147 alterations to their privacy settings. But he remains optimistic that it’s “what the consumers want.”

“And if they don’t, they soon will,” says Zuckerberg, “with next month’s release of Facebook Inception.” 


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