"The Constitution says nothing about the 13th Amendment," declared Thomas. "And the actual words of the founders are what count – not what liberal wishful thinkers claim 230 years later might have been their intention. The Constitution does not evolve. Evolution is a myth."
No need to feel guilty: These crispy kiddos are 100% organic.
...Who WIll Suck Their Blood For The Rest of Century
Log on to OK Stupid, and you’ll find what you’ve always been looking for...
This all new doll is fun, radiant and on her way to becoming America’s Next Top KKK Wife!
The continuing misadventures of a hard-working, misogynistic, sadistic, and violent terrorist...
You thought they were just for warfare, and mass murder, but that’s all about to change...
Are you tired of all the lying from people like Bill O’Reilly and Brian Williams?
VIDEO: Life sucks, then you meet someone, then you die
McDonald's and Pfizer have announced plans to merge to allow McDonald's myriad meat patents and other intellectual properties to sustain Pfizer's long-term positive economic outlook.
Thorbjorn Jagland, chairman of the Nobel Peace Prize Committee, said today that President Obama “really ought to consider” returning his Nobel Peace Prize Medal immediately, including the “really nice” case it came in.
The race for your retina is on! Media have always been obsessed with your eyeballs. Attracting them, keeping them, selling you stuff you don't need. Now with its Project Glass reality glasses Google wants to cut out the middleman – you. But Apple has an even better idea...
The following message is brought to you by, "The Republican Effort to Totally Revamp Ourselves in 2014" or... RETRO 2014.
In a sweeping measure evoking the true meaning of “compassionate conservatism,” Congress today passed legislation establishing a “second Christmas” for the disadvantaged.
He huffed and He puffed, but Jesus was no match for the 2,014 candles flickering atop His birthday cake last month, according to reports from Heaven.
A charming fable about how the core American values of inventiveness and stick-to-it-iveness are rewarded.
RIP the entirely great and endlessly prolific provocateur Georges Wolinski who was murdered by the cowardly human sewage who shot up my fellow satirists at Charlie Hebdo in Paris yesterday.
Ferguson, MO’s Officer Wilson takes your kids on a magical, racist journey through the U.S. justice system!
Theo needs help with his homework...
The Nobel Peace Prize Committee has twice asked President Obama through diplomatic channels to return his Peace Prize. Now they’re asking “one last time” and there’s nothing diplomatic about it.
What books are currently on your night stand?
Life seems simple enough for seventy-five year old Carl Pressman. He resides in the luscious tropics of South Africa and spends his days smoking cigars and sporting designer fedoras...
The Final Edition presents a series of true legends, stories of the greatest warriors for freedom and justice this - or any - generation has ever seen: Facebook Heroes
July 2nd is the 53rd anniversary of an epochal event in American literature: the suicide via shotgun to the mouth of Ernest Hemingway.
The new doll, an effort to reorient the toy company after the death of co-founder Elliot Handler in July, will be "ordinary in every way, homely, mildly depressed and borderline obese."
PBS has tapped Elmore Leonard, the acclaimed writer of Rum Punch, Get Shorty, and Out of Sight, to write for the early 20th century period drama. TFE has acquired an exclusive sneak peak of what's to come.
Three years ago, Tony Ditmar, a 36-year-old postal worker from Milwaukee, won $650 million in the Powerball lottery, the highest amount ever reaped by an individual. Yesterday, Ditmar busted out really big, announcing that he had purchased The New York Times.
SANFORD, Fla. — George Zimmerman – the man charged with killing 17-year-old Trayvon Martin last year – has been found guilty of being an idiot.
Top 10 Reasons to Like Iranian President Hassan Rouhani delivered by the man of the hour... Iranian President Hassan Rouhani!!
The Republican Wish List includes one supernatural event...
Were the Oklahoma tornadoes the result of global warming?
Arizona's current Senator and still not-President, John McCain, secretly traveled to Syria to meet with lung-eating rebels.
After his failure to get Congress to pass gun control supported by 90% of Americans, we revisit our favorite current occupant of the Oval Office. Check out his moves...
Shocking Photo Reveals There Are FIVE Horsemen Of The Apocalypse
The United States Government is now using military drones to evict families from foreclosed homes. The measure not only increases real estate efficiency, but saves taxpayers by replacing sheriffs and their expensive pensions, healthcare benefits, and mustache maintenance.
The Final Edition Radio Hour invites you to take a listen as Brooklyn hipsters explore modern commerce through social networking, urban tribalism, and suspicious fires.
Who's responsible for all the gun violence? The First and Second Amendment shoot it out. There are tumbleweeds.
FLORIDA -- Late last week, Enterprise Florida, an organization promoting Florida's growth, held a press conference to unveil its new slogan: FLORIDA: The Perfect Climate for Business.
The Arizona Book Banning and Burning Board, a division of the Arizona Dept of Education, today outlawed any teaching of, or reference to, the Bible in its schools.
A public service announcement from Idiots With Guns.
At steak-sauce-and-whisky-fueled blowout in Dallas this week, META, the first grass-roots carnivorist organization in US history was born.
The Forbes 400 Most Pornographically Wealthy People On Earth are pushing back hard at calls from governments in developed countries to raise taxes on them. They gathered from around the globe last week in an unannounced location to discuss tactics.
Noam Chomsky is America’s leading dissident, linguist and small dessert expert. He has agreed to sit for an interview with The Final Edition but only during the commercials.
Just in time to reverse the GOP ticket’s downward spiral Vice Presidential candidate Paul Ryan today announced a dramatic new alternative to Medicare.
New York City Mayor Michael Bloomberg’s pro-bicycle agenda reached a new high water mark today with the announcement that a cyclists-only lane is being added to the long-under-construction Second Avenue Subway
Hello ladies! It’s your little old left-lib nun again! Sister Mary Che! Coming to you from the convent of Our Lady of Liberation Tendencies in Wellesley Mass, mother-house of my wonderful, wonderful order, The Little Sisters of Noam Chomsky!
Today's mandatory article about Facebook.
Governor Jan Brewer of Arizona startled media and supporters alike today when she announced that she is part velociraptor.
Q. I’m a New Yorker and I’m afraid. Can I get ebola from the L train?