Palin for Prez Banner
From Pharma to Table: The McDonald's-Pfizer Merger
From Pharma to Table: The McDonald's-Pfizer Merger
McDonald's and Pfizer have announced plans to merge to allow McDonald's myriad meat patents and other intellectual properties to sustain Pfizer's long-term positive economic outlook.
New Second Avenue Subway Will Include Bike Lanes
New Second Avenue Subway Will Include Bike Lanes
New York City Mayor Michael Bloomberg’s pro-bicycle agenda reached a new high water mark today with the announcement that a cyclists-only lane is being added to the long-under-construction Second Avenue Subway
Prominent Anti-Gay Activist Makes Exception for Hot Lesbians
Prominent Anti-Gay Activist Makes Exception for Hot Lesbians
"If two beautiful teens are hungering for a man’s touch and have nothing to relieve their ache but each other, I think God understands," said Tony Perkins, head of 'Focus on the Family,' "And we must as well.”
Hairless Trump Says He's Quitting 2012 Presidential Race
Hairless Trump Says He's Quitting 2012 Presidential Race
America's most bizarre combover has finally escaped the head of Donald Trump, forcing him to forgo his fake presidential quest.
Pope Tweets that He Will Reopen Trial of Galileo
Pope Tweets that He Will Reopen Trial of Galileo
His Holiness announced that Mr. Galilei's remains will be charged with crimes against humanity such as global warming, industrial pollution, abortion, and cell-phones that go off during Mass.
Zuckerberg Unveils Facebook Unconscious
Zuckerberg Unveils Facebook Unconscious
Today's mandatory article about Facebook.
Governor Christie Explodes in Trenton
Governor Christie Explodes in Trenton
The Governor fell victim to morbid obesity and an internal build-up of methane due to an inability, or unwillingness, to expel waste.
Arizona Governor Announces Program to “Return Dignity to Legals”
Arizona Governor Announces Program to “Return Dignity to Legals”
Arizona Governor Jan Brewer announced a new statewide program to "return dignity" to those who do not comply with the state's immigration laws.
End of World Preacher: "The Endeavor Was Raptured"
End of World Preacher: "The Endeavor Was Raptured"
Reverend Harold Camping, who is predicting that the end of the world will arrive next Saturday, issued a statement that the space shuttle Endeavor was Raptured yesterday, shortly after lift-off.
As World’s End Nears, Born-Again Christians Fornicate, Booze, Abuse Drugs - and Praise the Lord!
As World’s End Nears, Born-Again Christians Fornicate, Booze, Abuse Drugs - and Praise the Lord!
Preachers and pastors are leading orgies in megachurches across the South, praising Jesus even as they climax on 'coke' and 'E.'
End of World Preacher Claims Rapture Aborted by NORAD Strike
End of World Preacher Claims Rapture Aborted by NORAD Strike
Doomsday preacher Harold Camping returned to the airwaves today, blaming his failed Rapture forecast on "a missile strike that nearly blew Jesus out of the sky."
Lepers Find a Hospitable Haven in Quiet Corner of Queens
Lepers Find a Hospitable Haven in Quiet Corner of Queens
Despised in Biblical times, lepers in a Queens enclave are just one more large, tightly knit clan of New York ethnics.
God to Kill Rush Limbaugh Within Weeks
God to Kill Rush Limbaugh Within Weeks
His Vastness has assured Americans that they will soon be free of the "suppurating boil on humanity," and that Mr. Limbaugh's death would be long, lingering, and unbearably painful.
rule
MURDOCH TO THE RESCUE!
MURDOCH TO THE RESCUE!
After weeks of uncertainty, Rupert Murdoch's NewsCorp, the global news megalith, announced today that it had acquired the defunct New York Times.
Roger Ailes: "Fuck It, I'll Just Be President Myself"
Roger Ailes: "Fuck It, I'll Just Be President Myself"
Roger Ailes, the powerful head of Fox News, has decided to give up his attempts to create a viable Republican presidential candidate, and will become President of the United States himself, according to a bathroom mirror aware of his deliberations.
House Passes Bill Calling for Tributes, Sacrifice to Wealthy
House Passes Bill Calling for Tributes, Sacrifice to Wealthy
The House of Republicans passed the 2011 Obeisance and Homage Act, calling for great caravans of wealth be brought before America’s millionaires and billionaires, in an attempt to earn their favor and mercy.
Nobel Committee Asks Obama “Nicely” To Return Peace Prize
Nobel Committee Asks Obama “Nicely” To Return Peace Prize
Thorbjorn Jagland, chairman of the Nobel Peace Prize Committee, said today that President Obama “really ought to consider” returning his Nobel Peace Prize Medal immediately, including the “really nice” case it came in.
Richest Americans Running Out of Shit to Buy
Richest Americans Running Out of Shit to Buy
Leading economists say that the wealthiest 1% of Americans, who control 43% of the nation’s wealth, are simply not buying enough useless crap to sustain an economic recovery.
Breitbart Says He Has New Photos of Lewd Dem Body Parts
Breitbart Says He Has New Photos of Lewd Dem Body Parts
The right-wing outrage facilitator said today that he had photos of Harry Reid’s nipple, Hillary Clinton’s left buttock, Nancy Pelosi’s kidney and scores of other salacious body parts belonging to prominent Democrats.
EXCLUSIVE: Papillon II - The Prison Diary of Dominique Strauss-Kahn
EXCLUSIVE: Papillon II - The Prison Diary of Dominique Strauss-Kahn
"I, Dominique Strauss-Kahn, who have always cried out for justice and truth and the reforms required for the IMF to make financial stability serve the international community while fostering growth and employment, cannot remain silent."
New Spielberg Holocaust Epic Awarded Pre-Oscar
New Spielberg Holocaust Epic Awarded Pre-Oscar
"The Diary of Schindler’s Pianist” has won an Oscar for Best Picture of 2012 even before it has started shooting.
Canine Date Rape: An Issue That Can't Be Woofed Away
Canine Date Rape: An Issue That Can't Be Woofed Away
Dogs are less inhibited and self-conscious than humans. But this hardly excuses the deplorable practice of canine date rape.
GOP Announces Sweeping New Social Safety Net
GOP Announces Sweeping New Social Safety Net
Measures include abolishing Medicare and replacing it with an ultra-low-cost program called Mediprayer.
The Final Crossword
The Final Crossword
rule
Spider-Man Said to be Leaving Spider-Man
Spider-Man Said to be Leaving Spider-Man
The title character in Spider-Man: Turn Off the Dark will step aside to be replaced by Batman, the shows producers say.
CBS Taps Berlusconi for Two and a Half Men
CBS Taps Berlusconi for Two and a Half Men
Italian Prime Minister Outraged by Ashton Kutchers Two and a Half Men Deal
Italian Prime Minister Outraged by Ashton Kutchers Two and a Half Men Deal
Silvio Berlusconi, an Italian television star who plays Prime Minister in te long-running reality series The Italian Government, professed outrage at Ashton Kutchers deal in the race to replace Charlie Sheen in Two and a Half Men.
Supreme Court Overturns Theory of Evolution 5-4
Supreme Court Overturns Theory of Evolution 5-4
When asked for comment, Chief Justice Roberts said he couldn’t rationally explain it, but the decision “just felt instinctively right.”
(Archives Spacer Col 2)
rule
Royal Marriage On Rocks as Prince Harry Demands Ancient Droit de Frere
Royal Marriage On Rocks as Prince Harry Demands Ancient Droit de Frere
Marriage Equality Gives New Yorkers Yet Another Reason To Feel Superior To L.A.
Marriage Equality Gives New Yorkers Yet Another Reason To Feel Superior To L.A.
The gigantic list of reasons New York City is better than Los Angeles got longer last Friday when Governor Cuomo legalized gay marriage in the Empire State.
Mallard Filmore
Mallard Filmore
Justice Thomas Rules That He Is Only 3/5s of a Justice
Justice Thomas Rules That He Is Only 3/5s of a Justice
"The Constitution says nothing about the 13th Amendment," declared Thomas. "And the actual words of the founders are what count – not what liberal wishful thinkers claim 230 years later might have been their intention. The Constitution does not evolve. Evolution is a myth."
great papers final days
The New York Times Closes Its Doors Forever
Owners May Have 'Torched' Building for Insurance Money
In Famed Paper's Decline, No One to Blame
rule
OPINION
Krugman: Is Krugman Too Big to Fail?
Friedman: My World is Flat Right Now
Brooks: Bachmann’s Turned Up Overdrive
Dowd: Glee the People
Brody: Your Floor, Your Enemy
rule
THE LAST TIMESCAST
This is Mike the Intern
No one wanted to do this Timescast thing today, so I volunteered. I just graduated J School, and the paper folds! What a story!
Betty Bowers: America's Best Christian
Kiss Our American Ass
Video: The Incredible Folding President
After his failure to get Congress to pass gun control supported by 90% of Americans, we revisit our favorite current occupant of the Oval Office. Check out his moves...
rule rule
House Tea Party Bill Would Abolish Death and Taxes
Reflecting intense concern among their rank and file, whose median age is 98, House Tea Partiers are up in arms about the “unchecked epidemic of death sweeping America.”
Kim Jong Il Unleashing Weapons of Mass Discomfort
The C.I.A. has confirmed that Kim Jong Il is behind the rise of bedbugs in the United States.
Un-Jailed Americans
Each week, The Final Edition tells the story of a great American businessman who, despite his lack of ethics, has bravely stayed out of jail.
Increase in Ugly Babies Pegged to OKCupid’s Rise in Popularity
The Internet is allowing more people to find happiness together, but having heinously ugly babies may be the price they pay.
Un-Jailed Americans Part II
This week, we look at another group of great Americans who are triumphantly not in jail - including Alan Greenspan, Lloyd Blankfein, and every single person from Bear Stearns.
Weeping Boehner Statue Works Miracles, But Not In Congress
A statue of Speaker John Boehner has mysteriously begun to weep a red substance, possibly a Chilean Merlot.
(Archives Spacer Col 3)
rule
OPINION
Hannity: I Am Proved Right
Koch: Mideast-Style Revolution Impossible in US - The Poor Support the Super-Rich
Cramer: Will the Next Bubble Be the Bubble-Bubble?
Krugman: Acquiescence of a Liberal
Hannity: I, Hannity
rule
Fox To Air "America's Next Top Gingrich Wife"
Fox To Air "America's Next Top Gingrich Wife"
Roger Ailes: UK Hacking Scandal Smears "Superb Reputation" of Fox News
In a tearful press conference Friday, Roger Ailes head of Fox News, accused the scandal-ridden UK Sunday tabloid News Of The World and its editors of “dragging the superb journalistic standards and reputation of Fox News through the mud.’